Been a while huh?

I know I know. I have been having computer issues and am currently posting from my iPhone. I am still alive, Jack has been kicking up a storm (atleast today) and I think I may be getting bigger but I think it all depends on his position. Today was our L&D tour. I love that hospital. We also had a 3D ultrasound but Jack decided he wanted to have his hands over his face the entire time. I will be better about posting next week and might actually do a belly pic. That is al for now.

Holy crap it is huge!

I don't have the time or patience to figure out how to make this crap smaller, so you are stuck with another HUGE picture this week

26w5d

I was wrong. Last week he was an eggplant

And the same goes for this week. Still eggplant

How far along? 25w6d

Weight gain/loss: Don't start with me. I already got the lecture from my doctor

Maternity clothes? Hell yeah...so comfy
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had but I think they might be expanding
Sleep? Not so good. Jack woke me up this morning. That was a first
Best moment this week? Being woken up by my son
Movement: He is thumping around big time in there this morning.
Food cravings: Ribs, potatoes and lemonade, I don't think these are ever going to change

Gender: BOY!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? hmmm...my next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Why 28? Sounds like a good number. Then I can set another goal. Little bit at a time makes the time go by faster.
Weekly wisdom: When you need to sit, sit. If you are walking and someone with you is walking fast, tell them to slow down. Don't push yourself.

Milestones: we are painting the nursery today

25w6d

Apparently my pic from last week didn't work. I hope this one does.

Still a Papaya

How far along? 24w6d

Weight gain/loss: Don't start with me. I already got the lecture from my doctor

Maternity clothes? Hell yeah
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Not so good.
Best moment this week? 24 week appointment. he is measuring right on track
Movement: Feeling more and more. I wish they were more consistent, but I will take what I can get.
Food cravings: Ribs, potatoes and lemonade

Gender: BOY!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? hmmm...my next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Why 28? Sounds like a good number. Then I can set another goal. Little bit at a time makes the time go by faster.
Weekly wisdom: When you need to sit, sit. If you are walking and someone with you is walking fast, tell them to slow down. Don't push yourself.

Milestones: stronger kicks that Erik actually felt and V-day

I know it is huge!

Really I do. I know this is an absolutely horrid picture of me and in huge form, but I wanted to get it up before I forgot when I took it. This is 24w5d. My computer is broken so I had to sneak on to Erik's. I don't know how to use a mac, I don't know how to resize anything, and I just didn't want to forget. So deal with it.

24 weeks

How far along? 23w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down from where I started, but the gap is closing.

Maternity clothes? duh!
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Horrible lately. I sleep fine for 5 hours or so but then I toss and turn and can't get comfortable and I wake up sore.
Best moment this week? Watching by belly bounce around when he kicks and Erik finally feeling him (one light kick at least)
Movement: Feeling more and more. I wish they were more consistent, but I will take what I can get.
Food cravings: Ribs, potatoes and lemonade

Gender: BOY!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? tomorrow is V-Day! Obviously I don't want him here now, but knowing they would at least try to save him is somewhat of a relief. 24 week appointment is on Wednesday
Weekly wisdom: When you need to sit, sit. If you are walking and someone with you is walking fast, tell them to slow down. Don't push yourself.

Milestones: stronger kicks that Erik actually felt.

21w6d and 23 weeks

Here it is at 23w1d

And last weeks at 22 weeks

23weeks

How far along? 22w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down from where I started, but the gap is closing.

Maternity clothes? duh!
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? The most comfortable sleeping is on the couch
Best moment this week? Watching by belly bounce around when he kicks
Movement: Feeling it more and more. Sometimes he is really chill and other times he is going crazy. When he is kicking they are definitely stronger kicks
Food cravings: Ribs, potatoes and lemonade <--- hasn't changed

Gender: BOY!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? 1 more week till V-day
Weekly wisdom: Always take snacks. I had 3 days this week that I was starving and had to wait to eat. Always bring a snack

Milestones: stronger kicks

I'm bad

I haven't done anything all week including the weekly survey. I did take a belly pic. It will be put up with next weeks belly pic. Nothing much in the survey has changed.

20w5d belly pic

I don't know why it is so small

20w6d

How far along? 20w6d

Weight gain/loss: up 3 from last appointment so still down 17 total - I think still this

Maternity clothes? Is there anything else?
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Toss and turn all night
Best moment this week? He was moving around a bunch the other day. Not so much today
Movement: I am feeling it more and more. Some days more than others. I love it. - yep still this
Food cravings: Ribs, starburst, potatoes and lemonade <--- hasn't changed

Gender: BOY!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Not having to pee every hour.
What I am looking forward to? Finalizing a name
Weekly wisdom: Always take snacks. I had 3 days this week that I was starving and had to wait to eat. Always bring a snack

Milestones: Registered

hmm

I wish Erik were home. He is stuck in Vegas for another couple of days. He dropped his phone and it broke so I can't talk to him either, just e-mail.

Jack has been moving around all day but only really when I sit down. I think this is my excuse to why I have sat on the couch all day. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to just sit here and embrace him moving around. These are personal times only me and him can have, but I wish Erik were here with me.

20weeks!

How far along? 20w

Weight gain/loss: up 3 from last appointment so still down 17 total

Maternity clothes? Is there anything else?
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Not really.
Best moment this week? Feeling him get his groove on today to a song on the radio.
Movement: I am feeling it more and more. Some days more than others. I love it.
Food cravings: Ribs, starburst, potatoes and lemonade <--- hasn't changed

Gender: I was right. It's a boy!
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Not having to pee every hour.
What I am looking forward to? Finalizing a name
Weekly wisdom: I am not sure if I have anything new this week.

Milestones: Found out that The Squish is a boy

19w5d belly pic and 20 week appointment

So I went for my 20 week appointment today. Everything looks good and heart rate was good. He played a little hide and seek with the NP too. Find and then he runs away. She also had the results from the u/s yesterday. Everything is perfect. He was measuring a perfect 19w4d which is right where he should be.

Here is the 19w5d belly pic. I think I definitely notice a difference from last week.

A couple pics

We have a Penis!

It is a boy! It is so weird to talk about the baby now and put a gender to him. It is like right after you get married and it takes a while to get used to say "my husband". Same kind of thing.

I am so excited (I would be no matter what). So here is how it went down...

My appointment was at 0950. I wasn't sure about traffic and all of that and ended up getting there at 0910. I really had to use the bathroom, but wasn't supposed too. They told me they could take me back then. I was worried though because Erik wasn't there yet.

They told me that they had about 25 minutes worth of pictures and measurements to take anyways before all the fun stuff. I decided that that should be fine, since Erik was on his way. He took me back. Yes, my u/s tech was a guy and not bad looking either. Baby boy was breach and his head was behind my belly button. I kept feeling little bumps really low, so I didn't even realize that he could be that high.

After about 10 minutes he had me go use the bathroom in hopes that he would move around a little to get better pics. It worked a little bit. Then he had me go for a walk and go up and down the stairs a few times. By then Erik was there so we walked for a few minutes and told him what he had missed (not much). The walking worked. He completely flipped and was low. All the pictures were taken that the doctor needed. Then we got the fun stuff.

Couldn't get a good profile pic because he had his head turned away from us. We got the foot, legs, heart, arm, ect... At one point (before Erik got there) he had his hand up by his face. When the u/s tech went to get pics of his face, he started waving at me. It was so cute. A perfectly formed little hand waving at me.

I am so excited. I'll put pics up later.

Can we just call this 19 weeks?

How far along? ok, ok. I am only 18w6d

Weight gain/loss: I am still down 20 pounds from my 6 weeks appointment

Maternity clothes? Oh yeah. My mom said I am finally dressing girly (usually I am in jeans and t shirts)
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I toss and turn. The best sleep so far is when I fall asleep on the couch in a reclined sitting position.
Best moment this week? Feeling The Squish move a little more (stupid anterior placenta and fatness)
Movement: I was definitely kicked at least once, and I think I could feel him/her rolling
Food cravings: Ribs, starburst, potatoes and lemonade <--- hasn't changed Gender: I think it is a boy and so does everyone else.
Belly button in or out? totally in, but I think it is getting shallower.
What I miss? Sleeping flat on my back
What I am looking forward to? Thursday! Big ultrasound is on Thursday!
Weekly wisdom: I am not sure if I have anything new this week.

Milestones: Feeling Squishy.

18w5d belly pic

( o )( o )

I need a new bra. Badly.

I am wearing a 42DD and spilling out all over the place. Apparently I am going shopping tomorrow. The girls need way more support than they are getting now.

18w

How far along? 18w

Weight gain/loss: I think I have gained a few pounds, but I am not sure

Maternity clothes? All maternity all the time
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Waking up 2-3 times a night to use the bathroom.
Best moment this week? Not sure
Movement: At this point I don't know. I tell myself anytime now, but still not really feeling anything definite.
Food cravings: Ribs, starburst, potatoes and lemonade
Gender: I think it is a boy and so does everyone else.
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? Sleeping flat on my back and not freaking out over every twinge
What I am looking forward to? One week from Thursday is the big ultrasound!
Weekly wisdom: Pillows are your friend when trying to get comfortable <---yep

Milestones: 18 weeks. Almost half way there.

Debating

Debating whether to put a new belly pic up. I look the same. I don't think I have changed at all. Oh well. I thought that last time too.

And the 16w5d belly shot

16w5d

We'll say 17 weeks, mmkay?

How far along? 16w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down 20 pounds (per the doctors scale no less)

Maternity clothes? All maternity all the time
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I could not get comfortable last night but I folded my snoogle over last night and propped myself up. It was fantastic.
Best moment this week? having lunch with a friend
Movement: I think I felt a little elbow or knee slide down but I don't know. Still feeling little pops.
Food cravings: Ribs, starburts, and lemonade
Gender: I think it is a boy and so does everyone else.
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? Sleeping flat on my back
What I am looking forward to? 3 more weeks until the BIG ULTRASOUND (yes it warranted caps)
Weekly wisdom: Pillows are your friend when trying to get comfortable

Milestones: I am pretty sure (95%) that I felt The Squish

16 weeks

How far along? 15w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down 20 pounds (per the doctors scale no less)

Maternity clothes? I love my maternity clothes. My work pants feel like pajamas
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? It is getting better. I am not waking up completely sore anymore, but now I have to pee 2-3 times a night
Best moment this week? 16 weeks appointment. Everything is good. Got to see The Squish
Movement: I think I feel something once in a while, but I found out I have an anterior placenta so maybe it is all in my mind.
Food cravings: Still potatoes. Oh and we can add ribs to the list of foods I can eat 24/7
Gender: I think it is a boy and so does everyone else.
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? Nothing at the moment.
What I am looking forward to? 4 more weeks until the BIG ULTRASOUND (yes it warranted caps)
Weekly wisdom: If you are tired, relax. Don't overdo it. I did and now my feet are hating me. <--- yep still this Milestones: 16 weeks! For some reason I always thought 16 weeks was a big deal.

15w5d pictures

I can't believe I am almost 16 weeks. For some reason I always thought that 16 week was a big milestone. I have no idea why, but I do.

Painting the nursery

These are the colors I have picked out so far. I am leaning toward the greens, but I guess I should see what Erik thinks first.

Oh and my 15 week belly pic

Ok, so it is really 14w5d, but close enough. Sometimes I think I just look fat and I am to early for a bump, then I see other girls that are in the same week as me and they have these cute little bumps, so I figure I can have a bump too.

14w6d

How far along? 14w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down 20 pounds

Maternity clothes? Screw the bella band. I love it, but the maternity pants that I bought are awesome
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I love my Snoogle. I don't get the horrible back aches that I was getting.
Best moment this week? Not baby related - mom was here for a visit
Movement: Once in a while I feel a weird rippling feeling when I am lying down, but it could be gas.
Food cravings: Milk and potatoes. Any kind of potatoes
Gender: I think it is a boy
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? Not having headaches.
What I am looking forward to? 16 week appointment this Thursday. 16 WEEKS PEOPLE!
Weekly wisdom: If you are tired, relax. Don't overdo it. I did and now my feet are hating me.
Milestones: I may have found The Squish on the doppler, but I am not sure.

How far along? 13w6d

Weight gain/loss: Still down

Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time and some maternity shirts for work
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I got a Snoogle. I slept with it last night and it seems to help.
Best moment this week? Second Tri and shopping and talking about baby stuff with MIL and SIL
Movement: I felt a weird ripple one night, but I don't think it was The Squish
Food cravings: Milk and potatoes. Any kind of potatoes
Gender: I think it is a boy
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? sleeping comfortably
What I am looking forward to? 5 more weeks until Big U/S
Weekly wisdom: Just because you feel great today doesn't mean you will feel great tomorrow
Milestones: Second Tri!

13w5d bloat/belly

Here it is at 13w5d. I think I may have found The Squish on the doppler very briefly this afternoon.

I then went out and got a Snoogle. My back has been hurting so bad in the mornings. I got home and tried it out on the couch. I almost fell asleep instantly. So comfortable. I can't wait to try it tonight.

Guess what!

Today is my 27th birthday and today is 13w3d! Hello second tri!

Random though

I don't know why but sometime I feel like a pregnancy fraud. I think it stems from the fact that it took so long to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I am so used to telling myself that I am not pregnant and "oh this shirt makes me look pregnant (because I am plump)"

Now when I wear maternity I for some reason I feel weird when people look at me because I am only 13 weeks. I want to tell them "no it is just pudge right now" even though I know it is not.

I go into the maternity stores and though I know I need clothes and I would feel a lot better with them on, I feel strange for some reason. I feel like everyone at work is just looking at my stomach and it makes me feel weird.

I don't know why, I just had to get that off my chest. I know it is completely crazy and me just being in my head.

I am not expecting anyone to respond, I just had to get it out.

13 weeks! Holy Crap

How far along? 13w

Weight gain/loss: Still down

Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time and some maternity shirts for work
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Toss and turn. Can't get comfortable and wake up with my back hurting. - yep still this
Best moment this week? That's a tough one. We had the NT scan which was awesome but we also told his parents which was great too.
Movement: Nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: Milk and potatoes. Any kind of potatoes
Gender: Last week I was thinking girl, but this week I am thinking boy. I think it is going to be a long 6 weeks until we find out.
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? sleeping comfortably
What I am looking forward to? 05/05 is my birthday and my graduation to second tri
Weekly wisdom: Just because you feel great today doesn't mean you will feel great tomorrow
Milestones: NT Scan and told his parents

12w5d bloat/pudge

Check it out

It's blurry, but it is the most beautiful baby ever.

12 weeks update a day late

How far along? 12w1d

Weight gain/loss: Still down
Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time and I bought a couple of maternity tops that are super comfy
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? Toss and turn. Can't get comfortable and wake up with my back hurting.
Best moment this week? Last Thursday I got to see Squishy but s/he had it's back to us so all we saw was the spine and heartbeat.
Movement: Nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: nothing sounds good. I still love milk though.
Gender: With the headaches that I have been having I am leaning toward girl (I heard it from a friend)
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? sleeping comfortably
What I am looking forward to? NT scan is this Thursday and we get to see the Squish.
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: Telling the parents this week.

First belly shot at 11w5d

Ignore the dirty mirror and the magazines on the ledge

Doctors appointment

So this one I went to alone. It was just a physical so I didn't see the need in Erik coming and watching me get poked and prodded.

I got the my appointment and had to give a urine sample. I about gave myself a heart attack when I looked in the toilet (gross habit) and saw bright red blood on the toilet paper. Then I realized that I had sliced my knuckle open somehow and that is what it was from. Stupid finger! Seriously I almost started crying.

I calmed down from that little scare. The called me back, took my weight (still down 15 pounds from my 6 week appointment) I then got felt up, poked and prodded, pap done (oh joy) and then she pulled out the doppler. She actually brought the u/s in "just incase she couldn't find it". Yep, she couldn't find it either. Oh and she brought in the u/s after poking me a bit and I think realizing how fat I really am.

Pull out the ultrasound machine. This was the first time ever having an ultrasound that was external and not the dildo cam. I got to see Squishy. S/he was just hanging out with his/her back to us. That is why she couldn't find it (besides my extra fluff). Unfortunately since the back was to us we couldn't get a picture either, but thats ok. Seeing the heart beat and her saying that it was "nice and stong" is all I needed.

She said that she thinks it's a boy just because s/he is being so stubborn already. I thought that was funny.

Next week is the NT scan. Hopefully Squishy is a little less stubborn then. They also scheduled my 18 week appointment (16 week was already scheduled) and set up the big u/s. We will find out on June 17 if it is a boy or girl. That doesn't seem far away considering it is almost May!

Holy crap! This is really happening!

Holy Crap a Lime!

How far along? 11w0d

Weight gain/loss: Down 20lbs but pants still don't fit
Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I wish I could sleep all day and all night
Best moment this week?Not sure
Movement: Nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: nothing sounds good
Gender: not a clue
Belly button in or out? totally in
What I miss? sleeping comfortably
What I am looking forward to? I have another Dr's appointment this Thursday. Hoping to see or at least hear Squishy
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: Not sure. I was finally able to eat 2 meals yesterday, but then got sick this morning, so only one stayed down.

10 weeks!

How far along? 9w6d

Weight gain/loss: According to the doctors scale I am down 15 pounds (I don't believe it)
Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I can't get comfortable and I toss and turn all night
Best moment this week?Seeing our beautiful squishy at the 9w4d appointment. Squishy was dancing a bit and had a great heart beat
Movement: Squish was dancing a bit. No rhythm like mama
Food cravings: nothing sounds good
Gender: not a clue
Belly button in or out? totally in.
What I miss? sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? 2 weeks and we are telling the family.
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: Seeing squishy with a healthy heartbeat.

Doctors appointment today

It was great. Squishy measures 9w4d which is right were s/he should be. Heart rate was in the 150s. It is amazing.

It is so weird. It is almost feeling real now. I am so excited.

So my ticker is behind by one day. Weird (I will be 9 weeks tomorrow)

How far along? 8w6d

Weight gain/loss: Last time I stepped on the scale I was still down a pound or two
Maternity clothes? Rocking the bella band full time
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I can't get comfortable and I toss and turn all night
Best moment this week? Um....not sure
Movement: nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: Cadbury Cream Eggs. I think this is because I can't have any because of Lent. One more day though.
Gender: not a clue
Belly button in or out? totally in.
What I miss? sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? Ultrasound this coming Thursday
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: I made it to 9 weeks.

Since ticker change day is on Sunday and I work on Sundays...

these will always be a day early

How far along? 7w6d

Weight gain/loss: I think I am actually down a couple of pounds thanks to my loss of appetite.
Maternity clothes? I have spent the past 3 days rocking the bella band. I.love.it.
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? I don't have to get up every 3 hours to pee anymore, but I wake up so sore from tossing and turning and not being comfortable.
Best moment this week? Wearing my bella band I guess.
Movement: nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: still lime Popsicles. The tarter the better. And root beer.
Gender: not a clue
Belly button in or out? totally in.
What I miss? sleeping comfortably.
What I am looking forward to? 2 more weeks until my next u/s
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: not fitting into my pants anymore, but weighing less than usual. Weird

We're going to act like it is 7 weeks, mmk?

I have always wanted to do one of these and was waiting, but I think 7 weeks is ok to start.

How far along? 6w6d
Weight gain/loss: nothing so far and I (and my dr.) are hoping to keep it that way
Maternity clothes? no, but my pants aren't really fitting to well thanks to bloat so the Bella Band has been ordered
Stretch marks? just the ones I already had
Sleep? horrible. I toss and turn and wake up every few hours to pee
Best moment this week? Oddly, my first bout of morning sickness. It is the one symptom that I hadn't had and was kinda reassuring.
Movement: nothing that I can feel
Food cravings: lime Popsicles. The tarter the better.
Gender: not a clue
Belly button in or out? totally in.
What I miss? sleeping through the night
What I am looking forward to? 3 more weeks until my next u/s
Weekly wisdom: I don't know but if you have any wisdom I will take it.
Milestones: had my first u/s at 6w1d. There is definitely a baby in there which is farther than I got last time.

Oh, and because I already had the picture but never posted it

Finally an update

So the last we left off I had 2 (ok 4) positive pregnancy tests. Let's jump a head a few weeks here.

I was at work and I fell. My back was hurting me pretty bad. When I called the advice nurse, I told her I am pregnant. She freaked out and made an appointment with my OB. Even though I told her I had an u/s scheduled on Wednesday, she still made me an appointment for Monday.

I went in on Monday. Got the lecture from my OB about freaking out and not calling the advice nurse unless there is really something wrong. Whatever. She did an u/s. There is a yolk sac, fetal pole and she said she saw a little flicker. I guess I may have seen something, but it was so small that I am not sure.

She also said I have a 3cm cyst in my ovary, but she isn't worried about it. She canceled my appointment that was set for Wednesday with my RE. I almost wish I hadn't said anything about my appointment on Wednesday. I would have loved to have Erik there and maybe have the chance of really seeing a heart beat.

Oh well. I go back in April for my 9 week appointment. Then we should really get a good picture and a look at the heart beat. Keep your fingers crossed and pray that everything continues going well.

::oh and I promise I will try to update more frequently:::

Finally an update

I know it has been a month since I last updated. So lets see...

Started injections. Multiple u/s and shots later, they canceled our cycle because the follicles didn't seem to be growing. I was devastated.

Then my boobs started to hurt. Then I got nauseous. From what I can tell I am now at the latest 12dpo. I would have had to ovulate after the last u/s (like same day but later in the afternoon).

I tested. Holy shit! 2 lines. No way! Digital...Pregnant! No effing way is this happening. I am so excited yet scared out of my mind.

I am hoping and praying that this little one sticks.

I am having one of those days. I know we all have them, but sometimes it seems like my life is just one of those days and it never gets better.

I am so tired. I am on the verge of crying all the time. If it isn't one thing it is another. Buster has one issue or another. I broke down to Erik last night asking him what we got ourselves into. As much as I love Buster (and I do very much) but it has been nothing but stress and money since we got him.

Then there is everything with trying for a baby. I remember the day, the time, the exact moment that Erik walked through the front door and looked at me and said he was ready to start trying. I was so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I thought it would be easy. I knew it would happen. I would be a mother and we would have our happy little family.

Then things got hard. Miscarriage and infertility happened. I often sit and my mind wonders. I think about how easy it is for some (like my friend who got pregnant, had an abortion, got pregnant again and kept her. Then they wanted to actually try and got pregnant on the first cycle).

How does it work like that? Who decides who gets a baby and who doesn't? What makes a crack head more qualified to be a mother than me?

I know I go through my ups and downs. I can be so low that I don't think it can ever get better. I sit and cry. I walk around like I am in a haze. Then I can be so up and wonder why I was ever so low. Well, right now is a low point for me.

When do I say that enough is enough?

Since it's been a bit

Figured I should let you know I am alive. Buster has been sick and DH has been driving me nuts. Plus the hormones from the BCP have me completely whacked.

I stopped taking BCP on Sunday night (that was my last night) and now it is Wednesday and I feel like AF should be here anytime. That is a plus.

Other than that, work is the usual suck fest. And with that I will update when there is actually something to update.

I AM SO EFFING PISSED!

I was so excited. After a 41 day cycle, 2 BFNs, and looking forward to January for the past 2 months, I am so disappointed.

I went in for my injections appointment and instead of walking out with needles and vials, I was given birth control! Why you ask, well, let me tell you.

I got there and the nurse asked, "ok, so you are here for Clomid or injections?". I told her injections and she said, "oh so you have had your injections class" ::::blank stare:::: I said, "no, no one ever told me that I needed one.

She then told me that I wouldn't be able to get the injections now because I had to have that class. I started tearing up. She could tell I was upset and took me back to the exam room and went and got the nurse practitioner. The NP came in and asked what the plan was. I told her I was never told about an injections class and had told her (that specific NP that I was now having this conversation with) back in September that September was my last Clomid cycle and that I wanted to start injections. She never mentioned anything!

She said she was sorry for the misunderstanding and that I had 3 options. 1) another round of Clomid. 2) birth control. 3) do nothing and wait until the next cycle.

Gee lets see, I HATE CLOMID and the shit doesn't work. My last cycle was 42 days and I am not waiting until March to do this crap again, so gee, I guess I will take birth control.

It should not be this effing hard. 2 years and a m/c and I can't get pregnant and I can't stay pregnant. Now here I sit, upset and crying. So disappointed. I have been waiting 2 months for this. After my CP I kept looking forward to this, and granted it only waiting another 3 weeks, I HATE THIS!

I hate my body, I hate Kaiser, I hate the effing universe!

I know, I know

It has been what, over a week? Good Lord. I kept telling myself "oh I need to update my blog with something, anything!" Yeah, that didn't happen apparently.

So what has been going on you ask? Well there have been some craptastic days on TTCAL. A number of girls having a second or third loss. It is just so heartbreaking.

I have been anxiously awaiting for the red headed hag to show so we can start the injections. Of course I don't chart this cycle and am now on cd39. I am hoping she will be here soon (and before you ask, I have tested and BFN both times)

I ran into my very pregnant neighbor at Target yesterday. You might say that I have been avoiding her for the past few months. She is really nice and I like hanging out with her, but I can't take her complaining about the pregnancy or what I feel like is bragging about it. I know she is only excited for her first child. I see the light on upstairs in the nursery of their house (they live across the street) and I know they are putting clothes away, making sure the glider is in just the perfect location and looking longingly into the crib knowing that a baby could be there any day staring back at them.

Ugh....I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself, but alas, I have no other way to feel.

"Pity Party, party of 1, your table is ready"