Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am having one of those days. I know we all have them, but sometimes it seems like my life is just one of those days and it never gets better.

I am so tired. I am on the verge of crying all the time. If it isn't one thing it is another. Buster has one issue or another. I broke down to Erik last night asking him what we got ourselves into. As much as I love Buster (and I do very much) but it has been nothing but stress and money since we got him.

Then there is everything with trying for a baby. I remember the day, the time, the exact moment that Erik walked through the front door and looked at me and said he was ready to start trying. I was so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I thought it would be easy. I knew it would happen. I would be a mother and we would have our happy little family.

Then things got hard. Miscarriage and infertility happened. I often sit and my mind wonders. I think about how easy it is for some (like my friend who got pregnant, had an abortion, got pregnant again and kept her. Then they wanted to actually try and got pregnant on the first cycle).

How does it work like that? Who decides who gets a baby and who doesn't? What makes a crack head more qualified to be a mother than me?

I know I go through my ups and downs. I can be so low that I don't think it can ever get better. I sit and cry. I walk around like I am in a haze. Then I can be so up and wonder why I was ever so low. Well, right now is a low point for me.

When do I say that enough is enough?

2 comments:

AMB said...

I don't have an answer for you, love. I just hate to see you going through this.

MV said...

Hugs friend. It has to get better soon, right?
PS I left you a blog award awhile back...
http://peetiepie.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-blog-awards.html