Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
I went and got the mail. Instead of an elfster gift, what did I see staring at me? A baby shower invite for my cousin who is do in March.
Great! Another reminder that she is knocked up. The one that was about to get a divorce before baby, the one that said she was done being pregnant at 12 weeks, the one that said and I quote "Well, you can have my pregnancy, I don't want it anymore."
Yeah, thanks cuz, I think I will send a gift, but please don't be mad if I choose not to attend.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Work was work. Nothing interesting
I might be going back up to Humboldt County in a couple of weeks. My sister and the boys are coming out to see my dad. I haven't seen the boys since our wedding almost 3 years ago.
Well...on a poor me moment. I am fed up with people getting pregnant and having babies. I have been charting this month and my chart has more ups and downs than a roller coaster. No cross hairs. I also tried OPKs and all they did was depress me. Now I just start the waiting game for George (AF for those that don't really read my blog, so pretty much everyone) to get here so I can start Clomid. Fun stuff
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Here's to hoping the rest of 2009 goes well.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"For this child I prayed and the Lord hath granted me my petition which I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27
"But if we hope for what we do not have we wait for it patiently" Romans 8:25
"but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5
"In this world, you will have many troubles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
“Let HIM have all your worries and cares, for HE is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you” 1 Peter 5:7
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Ok, I am sure my vent might piss people off and I will just say in advance, sorry but this is how I am feeling. And with that...
I know that TTC for a whole 3 months and getting BFNs every cycle is hard and you just want to be pregnant already, but give me a fucking break. I was doing ok with these comments after 6 months of trying, and then after 8 months and then 1 year. A year of trying and I was ok with the comments (annoyed but able to deal).
After my m/c I find myself being very annoyed at people that say "it seems like it is taking forever" and it has been 2 cycles. I want to grab them be the sholders, shake them and yell at the top of my lungs to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
With that, I know it sucks that it doesn't happen right away for some people, and I know it sucks when everyone around you is getting pregnant. Just wait for those people who were announcing they were pregnant to actually be giving birth and you still aren't pregnant, then come and complain to me.Thanks for letting me vent.
I have also been temping and Holy Freaking Rollercoaster Batman! It is up and down all over the place. Oh well.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I worked some overtime tonight. Little extra cash isn't bad. Next pay check will be nice with the overtime and holiday pay. Can't wait.
I am trying my hand at temping again. It is driving me crazy. I am testing at the same time each day and they are all over the place. I don't know what is going on. I am also trying OPKs. I think I started using them way to early for this cycle, but I don't know what my "normal" cycle is. I talked to the RE and it sounds like I will be starting Clomid with the next cycle. I am excited and scared.
Anyways...that has been my week.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I am so glad that today is Friday. Well. I know it is not really Friday, but it is for me. Three days off and not a thing to do. Hmmm....I must come up with something to do.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I had my follow up appointment today with my OB/GYN for my D&C. It went well. She said everything should be fine. She is so caring and such a wonderful person. I can't speak highly enough of her.
Anyhoo...that's about it here.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Again, I know I am not feeling sorry for myself, but there are constant reminders all around.
My dad and step-mom came into town last night. My SM was asking about how many children in the neighborhood and since we have such a young neighborhood we will probably all have kids around the same time.
Then they were talking about my little sister who just had her second. Then there was talk about my dumbass brother and his five (yes I said five).
Then at dinner there was an extremely pregnant girl that kept waddling back and forth in front of me. "Hey lady, I get it! Your pregnant! Sit your ass down or go waddle somewhere else!" And then there was the mom with 2 little girls waiting to be seated. Apparently mom just found out she was pregnant and it was all the girls could talk about.
Talking to my friend last night was good. She is having problems to and the doctors don't really seem to be listening to her. I sympathize because I know how she feels.
As far as I go, I had my D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. It will be 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still haven't seen George (AF see below posts). It is so frustrating. I am still spotting and when I do stop, it picks up again. It is like a constant reminder of my failure. The reason that I went with the D&C is because I didn't think I could manage to wait for it to happen naturally. I just wanted it over. Now is seems like it will never end.
Oh well...doctors appointment is on Monday, I guess we will wait and see.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
However, today was a little tough. I was cleaning house (my dad is coming to stay for a couple of days and I wanted to hide all pregnancy related materials. I haven't been able to tell my dad about the miscarriage, he already has a lot going on with the rest of my family) and I came across my pregnancy week by week book and the Chicken Soup for the Grandparents Soul that I had bought for the in-laws.
I had planned on giving them the book as the last present on Christmas Day. It was still wrapped and the wrapping paper was a little torn where I had just thrown it in a basket. It was so hard not to cry thinking about how that day should have gone. The look of joy and surprise on their faces. My mother in law crying and just repeating "really?" with excitement in her voice.
Instead I spent the day trying not to cry and separating myself from everyone. I had only lost my baby a mere 24 hours prior. I didn't know how else to act and respond to people.
Oh well, I guess I still have the book for when it does work out like it should.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
When I make my garlic bread I start with a loaf of fresh french bread. Then I smear butter all over it. I grind up garlic, olive oil, and Italian Seasoning in my mini food processor (best wedding gift ever) and I smear that all over. Then pop it under the broiler for a few minutes. YUM!
Well...I put a lot of garlic on it tonight. It was still good, but it WOOHHH!!! it was a lot of garlic.
I think tomorrow night we will go All-American-simple food. Hot dogs and french fries.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
So today I I was able to go a full day without a pad or anything. it was fantastic! I felt normal again. And then....I went to the gym with my friend. She likes to do this back workout machine (I don't know what it is called) and of course I tried it out.
My new name for the machine is the Uterus Juicer. It felt like my ute was being squeezed and of course what happens when I get home? I am spotting again. This better be George (AF...see post below) showing up for real now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
I think I am going to sleep in. Then have lunch with Meriah and after that get my house clean so I don't have to do it later this week.
I was so happy today knowing that I don't have to go back to work until Sunday at 1200! Yeah!!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Though it still hurts and I will always be sad about losing my baby, but I can't be bitter for ever. Thanks to my best friend (who has always been there for me) I realize how bitter and bitchy I have been for the past month.
I have missed out on hanging out with friends and such because they have what I want. They are pregnant and I am jealous. I admit that I am jealous, but I can't seclude myself for ever. I can't continue to push people away because I am feeling like this.
It can only inevitably lead to hurting those that I love and care about. Then not only have I lost my child, but I have lost the people that care about me.
So from this day forward I am going to be better not bitter. Though it will take some time and it will still hurt, I am done pushing people away and being selfish.
Friday, January 30, 2009
- young couples (probably in their late 20s) having lunch before going back to work. Her in her scrubs and him in his suit. having lunch and then walking to their cars. Kissing, hugging, he opens the door for her. They spend 10 minutes in the parking lot giggling and laughing with each other.
- two teenagers walking from school. Wonder where they are going? What they will do when they graduate high school?
- the guy across the street twirling the sign for the pizza place. 30 minutes straight he stood there and twirled
the observations go on and on, but those are the most memorable.
But instead...here I sit on my couch, not pregnant and still spotting from the D&C. I want to move on, but today just doesn't seem like the day to do it.
I should be cleaning my house or doing laundry or something, but that is what I have tomorrow for.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Other than that I have been sitting on my ass all afternoon watching America's Next Top Model and nesting. And I ate a half a thing of chocolate frosting.
I think I will be more productive tomorrow. I have to clean house. My dad is coming next week. Eh, we'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
For one, today was busy but I was still in a good mood. Then the next supervisor came in for the next shift. BITCH! I wanted to punch her in the throat!
And the kicker for today... apparently my post about AF was a little premature. It looks like I am just spotting again. It isn't like I was just spotting, I seriously thought that I had AF. Oh well...we will see what happens.
Ok, I am going to take my drunk ass and have another drink (or two)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And with that lovely observation, here it is....AF (for all you nesties) has shown her lovely face. Why do I refer to her as lovely considering she is the enemy of every woman trying to get knocked up? I say this because this is the first step after my miscarriage to getting back to normal. It means that I can hopefully get back on track and go back to the RE.
I can't wait!
Monday, January 26, 2009
My second post and I am going TMI on you all. So I had my D&C 4 weeks ago tomorrow. Last Friday I finally stopped spotting from it. Taking advantage of the moment, Erik and I decide to get busy (it was fantastic by the way). Everything was great Saturday and Sunday.
What happens today?!? I freaking start up again. I honestly have no idea if it was bad spotting or my AF showing up. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Well...I guess we will have to wait and see what happens huh?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I grew up in a little town in Northern California, where my parents still live. I have a difficult family to explain because there are so many of us. I moved from my small town to a big city, also in California (surprise huh?) when I graduated from high school. I attended college and in 2006 graduated from college with a Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice.
While in college I met my husband, Erik. We actually met in marching band. I know what you are all thinking, what dorks! I know, I have thought it too. Anyhoo...Erik and I dated for 3 1/2 years and then in 2006, at the ages of 23 and 25, we got married.
In October 2007 we decided to try for a child. In August 2008 we were referred to a specialist. In September 2008 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Of course that's the way it works out. I end up broken and they actually said that Erik's little men are above average. I went home with at least the good news that he has SuperSperm (duh data dah - I always get a theme song in my head when I say that) and then I told him I was broken.
I started taking Metformin in October and we decided to try Clomid with my cycle in December. But wait....I didn't have one. Now WHAT?!? So, I thought "what would it hurt" and I took a pregnancy test. Well that was a Big Fat Positive!
I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. It was such a surprise and we were so excited. We went to our first appointment on Christmas Eve 2008 and that is when my world turned upside down. I had a missed miscarriage. I have spent the past 3 1/2 weeks trying to understand, but I don't think I ever will.
With that long introduction, welcome to my life.