Sunday, December 6, 2009

What a difference a year makes

You know those pictures that people do? What a difference a year makes? They take a picture of an +HPT and then a picture of their smiling 3-4 month old. I have always wanted to do one of those. Well, I got half way there at least. Instead of my smiling babe, I reflect back on the year and what I have to show for it.

I have learned a lot about myself this year. I have known pure joy and what true happiness it. I have had the happiest day of my life. I also have learned what true sorrow and heart ache is. I also now know that I am stronger then I ever thought and more vulnerable than I knew.

Pure joy and true happiness - December 6, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. Yeah I know everyone says that their wedding day was or having a baby was. For me, it was finding out I was pregnant. My life finally had meaning and I felt complete. I was going to be a mother. I was in love instantly and could never imagine loving anything or anyone as much as I did my baby.

Sorrow and heartache - Everyone has had a break up where they thought they were heartbroken. The day we had our first ultrasound and the doctor said that I had had a miscarriage my heart broke into two and though it has mended in the past year, there is still a piece that is missing and will never come back. I had never known heartbreak that intense and could never have imagined it.

In those short 19 days, I had my baby. I was going to have my family.

In the past year I have learned that I can survive. As many times as I wanted to just hide under the covers and not come out and face the world, I knew I had to. I became strong enough to face the world and know that I can now do anything.

This month is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I may break down and cry, I may not understand why what happened happened, but I know I will make it.

No comments: