Saturday, January 31, 2009

I am done!

I am done feeling sorry for myself. After a drunken emotional breakdown last night, I have decided that I am done feeling sorry for myself.

Though it still hurts and I will always be sad about losing my baby, but I can't be bitter for ever. Thanks to my best friend (who has always been there for me) I realize how bitter and bitchy I have been for the past month.

I have missed out on hanging out with friends and such because they have what I want. They are pregnant and I am jealous. I admit that I am jealous, but I can't seclude myself for ever. I can't continue to push people away because I am feeling like this.

It can only inevitably lead to hurting those that I love and care about. Then not only have I lost my child, but I have lost the people that care about me.

So from this day forward I am going to be better not bitter. Though it will take some time and it will still hurt, I am done pushing people away and being selfish.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Observations I have made today

While sitting at Chipotle (thank you Sweetpea for making me crave it), I sat there and just people watched. Here are the things I noticed:

- young couples (probably in their late 20s) having lunch before going back to work. Her in her scrubs and him in his suit. having lunch and then walking to their cars. Kissing, hugging, he opens the door for her. They spend 10 minutes in the parking lot giggling and laughing with each other.
- two teenagers walking from school. Wonder where they are going? What they will do when they graduate high school?
- the guy across the street twirling the sign for the pizza place. 30 minutes straight he stood there and twirled

the observations go on and on, but those are the most memorable.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I am feeling sorry for my self today. It was one month ago that I had my D&C. I should be 13 weeks on Saturday and going into the "safe zone".

But I sit on my couch, not pregnant and still spotting from the D&C. I want to move on, but today just doesn't seem like the day to do it.

I should be cleaning my house or doing laundry or something, but that is what I have tomorrow for.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Not a damn thing!

I haven't done anything today. I slept in until 11:30 and then I went to the grocery store. Oh, I also had a blood draw to check my BETA levels. Hopefully it is my last.

Other than that I have been sitting on my ass all afternoon watching America's Next Top Model and nesting. And I ate a half a thing of chocolate frosting.

I think I will be more productive tomorrow. I have to clean house. My dad is coming next week. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Yeah, I'm Buzzed, What of it?!?

Ok, so yeah I actually had a drink tonight. I am feeling happy at the moment. Usually I don't drink, so why tonight? Let's see.,,

For one, today was busy but I was still in a good mood. Then the next supervisor came in for the next shift. BITCH! I wanted to punch her in the throat!

And the kicker for today... apparently my post about AF was a little premature. It looks like I am just spotting again. It isn't like I was just spotting, I seriously thought that I had AF. Oh well...we will see what happens.

Ok, I am going to take my drunk ass and have another drink (or two)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Oh and by the way

I cut garlic while cooking dinner, and now no matter how many times I wash my hands...they still smell like garlic.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Aunt Flo, Cousin Red, on the Rag (oh I hate this one), red tide, ride the cotton pony, and of course what my Grandmother always referred to it as, George. Why she calls that time of the month George, I don't think I will ever understand.

And with that lovely observation, here it is....AF (for all you nesties) has shown her lovely face. Why do I refer to her as lovely considering she is the enemy of every woman trying to get knocked up? I say this because this is the first step after my miscarriage to getting back to normal. It means that I can hopefully get back on track and go back to the RE.

I can't wait!

Monday, January 26, 2009

What the Hell?

Ok, so lets just jump right into it.

My second post and I am going TMI on you all. So I had my D&C 4 weeks ago tomorrow. Last Friday I finally stopped spotting from it. Taking advantage of the moment, Erik and I decide to get busy (it was fantastic by the way). Everything was great Saturday and Sunday.

What happens today?!? I freaking start up again. I honestly have no idea if it was bad spotting or my AF showing up. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Well...I guess we will have to wait and see what happens huh?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

My Story

So here is my story...

I grew up in a little town in Northern California, where my parents still live. I have a difficult family to explain because there are so many of us. I moved from my small town to a big city, also in California (surprise huh?) when I graduated from high school. I attended college and in 2006 graduated from college with a Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice.

While in college I met my husband, Erik. We actually met in marching band. I know what you are all thinking, what dorks! I know, I have thought it too. Anyhoo...Erik and I dated for 3 1/2 years and then in 2006, at the ages of 23 and 25, we got married.

In October 2007 we decided to try for a child. In August 2008 we were referred to a specialist. In September 2008 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Of course that's the way it works out. I end up broken and they actually said that Erik's little men are above average. I went home with at least the good news that he has SuperSperm (duh data dah - I always get a theme song in my head when I say that) and then I told him I was broken.

I started taking Metformin in October and we decided to try Clomid with my cycle in December. But wait....I didn't have one. Now WHAT?!? So, I thought "what would it hurt" and I took a pregnancy test. Well that was a Big Fat Positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. It was such a surprise and we were so excited. We went to our first appointment on Christmas Eve 2008 and that is when my world turned upside down. I had a missed miscarriage. I have spent the past 3 1/2 weeks trying to understand, but I don't think I ever will.

With that long introduction, welcome to my life.