Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am having one of those days. I know we all have them, but sometimes it seems like my life is just one of those days and it never gets better.

I am so tired. I am on the verge of crying all the time. If it isn't one thing it is another. Buster has one issue or another. I broke down to Erik last night asking him what we got ourselves into. As much as I love Buster (and I do very much) but it has been nothing but stress and money since we got him.

Then there is everything with trying for a baby. I remember the day, the time, the exact moment that Erik walked through the front door and looked at me and said he was ready to start trying. I was so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I thought it would be easy. I knew it would happen. I would be a mother and we would have our happy little family.

Then things got hard. Miscarriage and infertility happened. I often sit and my mind wonders. I think about how easy it is for some (like my friend who got pregnant, had an abortion, got pregnant again and kept her. Then they wanted to actually try and got pregnant on the first cycle).

How does it work like that? Who decides who gets a baby and who doesn't? What makes a crack head more qualified to be a mother than me?

I know I go through my ups and downs. I can be so low that I don't think it can ever get better. I sit and cry. I walk around like I am in a haze. Then I can be so up and wonder why I was ever so low. Well, right now is a low point for me.

When do I say that enough is enough?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Since it's been a bit

Figured I should let you know I am alive. Buster has been sick and DH has been driving me nuts. Plus the hormones from the BCP have me completely whacked.

I stopped taking BCP on Sunday night (that was my last night) and now it is Wednesday and I feel like AF should be here anytime. That is a plus.

Other than that, work is the usual suck fest. And with that I will update when there is actually something to update.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I was so excited. After a 41 day cycle, 2 BFNs, and looking forward to January for the past 2 months, I am so disappointed.

I went in for my injections appointment and instead of walking out with needles and vials, I was given birth control! Why you ask, well, let me tell you.

I got there and the nurse asked, "ok, so you are here for Clomid or injections?". I told her injections and she said, "oh so you have had your injections class" ::::blank stare:::: I said, "no, no one ever told me that I needed one.

She then told me that I wouldn't be able to get the injections now because I had to have that class. I started tearing up. She could tell I was upset and took me back to the exam room and went and got the nurse practitioner. The NP came in and asked what the plan was. I told her I was never told about an injections class and had told her (that specific NP that I was now having this conversation with) back in September that September was my last Clomid cycle and that I wanted to start injections. She never mentioned anything!

She said she was sorry for the misunderstanding and that I had 3 options. 1) another round of Clomid. 2) birth control. 3) do nothing and wait until the next cycle.

Gee lets see, I HATE CLOMID and the shit doesn't work. My last cycle was 42 days and I am not waiting until March to do this crap again, so gee, I guess I will take birth control.

It should not be this effing hard. 2 years and a m/c and I can't get pregnant and I can't stay pregnant. Now here I sit, upset and crying. So disappointed. I have been waiting 2 months for this. After my CP I kept looking forward to this, and granted it only waiting another 3 weeks, I HATE THIS!

I hate my body, I hate Kaiser, I hate the effing universe!

Friday, January 8, 2010

I know, I know

It has been what, over a week? Good Lord. I kept telling myself "oh I need to update my blog with something, anything!" Yeah, that didn't happen apparently.

So what has been going on you ask? Well there have been some craptastic days on TTCAL. A number of girls having a second or third loss. It is just so heartbreaking.

I have been anxiously awaiting for the red headed hag to show so we can start the injections. Of course I don't chart this cycle and am now on cd39. I am hoping she will be here soon (and before you ask, I have tested and BFN both times)

I ran into my very pregnant neighbor at Target yesterday. You might say that I have been avoiding her for the past few months. She is really nice and I like hanging out with her, but I can't take her complaining about the pregnancy or what I feel like is bragging about it. I know she is only excited for her first child. I see the light on upstairs in the nursery of their house (they live across the street) and I know they are putting clothes away, making sure the glider is in just the perfect location and looking longingly into the crib knowing that a baby could be there any day staring back at them.

Ugh....I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself, but alas, I have no other way to feel.

"Pity Party, party of 1, your table is ready"