I feel so left behind

First let me say that I am so very happy for all of my friends on TTCAL that have had BFPs recently. I am ecstatic for them, but I can't help but feel left behind.

I have taken a little break the past couple of weeks. Having my 1 year anniversary of my BFP at the beginning of December and then my m/c anniversary on Christmas Eve and then tomorrow is the 1 year of my D&C, it all just sucks and I needed a little break.

Now I go on to TTCAL and I am sad to see so many new names. I am sad that they have to be there and I am sad that I was left behind. I know that unfortunately there are still some of us oldies there, but I think you get what I mean.

Of course I am happy for everyone and I only want the best for everyone and their little ones, but the Debbie Downer of me wants to know when it is going to be my turn.

Ugh...Christmas (eve)

So, it was a year ago today that we learned our little one was gone. Needless to say, I have not been very excited about Christmas this year. I don't have a tree up or lights on the house. No decorations inside and the stocking will get hung because I have to. I did manage to put the wreath on the door.

I went to church tonight. I realized that I have gone to church every Christmas of my life, other than last year. I missed one out of 26 years.

Tomorrow I will put on a nice big smile and host my in-laws and my mom and step dad. I will cook dinner and laugh and act like everything is fine.

Ugh...I can't wait for it to be January already.

Man I feel discusting

I feel so fat. Since I graduated high school I have gained about 100 pounds. I know people gain weight while in college and after getting married, but I feel like such a heifer. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I can't find cloths that fit well.

I always joke that I am a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body because I love fashion and I love dressing up, but I hate shopping because I can't find the clothes I like in my size.

I think it is time for me to get off my fat ass and do something.

Down with the sickness

I have been sick the past week. I blame the thousands of random strangers that were pushing against me while in Vegas. So, that has sucked.

I have also been doing a lot of baking. Don't worry, I haven't been coughing or sneezing in the cookies. Other than that not much going on. I will be doing a real update later this week.

2008 vs. 2009

2008

~February~my grandfather dies

~June~start with RE

~October~diagnosed with PCOS

~December~Pregnant and miscarry

2009

~February~Erik's grandfather dies

~March~state fertility drugs

~August~EDD

~November~ chemical pregnancy

Not to mention that in 2008 there were 8 pregnant ladies at work, plus friends and family. In 2009 some of those are now pregnant with #2.

Good Lord the past two years have sucked horribly. I think I will spend the rest of the year drunk. I know there are only 2 weeks left, but really, these two weeks are going to blow. If I can survive Christmas then I will be ok until New Years.

OK, so here is a big slap in the face high five to 2010.

YOU HEAR ME 2010?! IF YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN THE PAST TWO YEARS I AM GOING TO SHANK SOMEONE. YOU DON'T WANT THEIR BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS.

Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to write about

Stupid PCOS! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

You make me fat, you make me break out, you make me depressed, you make my face look like a 14 year olds and you make me have to get my upper lip waxed (oh yeah, I am willing to over share here). Damn you!

Ok, I feel a little better. I have been a little down lately. I have been breaking out and I had lots of hair coming out in the shower this morning.

Lately I have been thinking about what if we are not able to become parents. I think the fact that it has been 2 years and no luck at all, it seems like no matter what we do, it just isn't going to happen for us. I know I shouldn't be a Debbie Downer or anything, but sometimes it is just hard.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day to live through.

Ugh...

I am sick. Erik is sick. I had to work all week (4 12 hour shifts)

I hope I feel better soon.

And I'm back

We took a little vacation. It was fantastic. Thursday we drove the eight hours down to Las Vegas we saw Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds Thursday and Friday and also stayed at the Bellagio.

1. Long drive and back, but it was still fun. Erik and I like to go on drives, but we usually don't go that far.

2. The Bellagio was fantastic. It is certainly beautiful. It was great staying there. It is something that we can say we did, but I don't think we need to stay there any more. It was expensive.

3. Dave Matthews. I shouldn't have to say anything else about it. It is Dave Freaking Matthews! I love him and the shows were phenomenal.

We are home and had a great time. It was nice getting away and not worrying about anything, but now it is back to the real world and I had said world thrust upon me when I had to go back to work today. Oh well, I will dream about our next trip.

And now, a text marathon

This is a text conversation that went on between me and my best friend. A little back story here, it is in regards to my supervisor and her surprise grandson.

1:13pm

Me: Dearest Supervisor, I understand you are a happy grandma and proud of your grandkids, but I swear to all that is holy, if I have to listen to you gush about your damn unplanned grandbaby that was so unplanned they didn't know she was pregnant, and your other one born 10 days before, I am going to shove a pencil in your throat, ok? I think 10 times today (literally) is enough. I get it. Thanks, Your loving employee

Meriah: LOL! Isn't that the sickest thing how an unplanned child is taboo till it is in your arms the it is the best thing since sliced bread?!?

Me: I swear, if I have to hear about it one more time or "look at my grandbaby, isn't he cute?" or have to hear the story again, or have to hear her calling them on the phone to check in, I am going to hurt someone.

1:50pm

Me: Ok someone is getting shanked

Meriah: I've got a pen and the coil of a note pad.

Me: Perfect All I need is something mildly pointy. Even if it is dull if you use enough force it will work

Meriah: hehehehehe

Yes people, that is right. All I have heard for the past 2 days at work is about this damn kid and the story about what happened and how great it is and how great a baby he is. Why couldn't this be my month in booking? No, I have to be on the ID desk and sit right next to her. Damn it all to hell.

I heard this tonight

I haven't heard this song in forever and it really got to me tonight...

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

~My Immortal by Evanescence

What a difference a year makes

You know those pictures that people do? What a difference a year makes? They take a picture of an +HPT and then a picture of their smiling 3-4 month old. I have always wanted to do one of those. Well, I got half way there at least. Instead of my smiling babe, I reflect back on the year and what I have to show for it.

I have learned a lot about myself this year. I have known pure joy and what true happiness it. I have had the happiest day of my life. I also have learned what true sorrow and heart ache is. I also now know that I am stronger then I ever thought and more vulnerable than I knew.

Pure joy and true happiness - December 6, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. Yeah I know everyone says that their wedding day was or having a baby was. For me, it was finding out I was pregnant. My life finally had meaning and I felt complete. I was going to be a mother. I was in love instantly and could never imagine loving anything or anyone as much as I did my baby.

Sorrow and heartache - Everyone has had a break up where they thought they were heartbroken. The day we had our first ultrasound and the doctor said that I had had a miscarriage my heart broke into two and though it has mended in the past year, there is still a piece that is missing and will never come back. I had never known heartbreak that intense and could never have imagined it.

In those short 19 days, I had my baby. I was going to have my family.

In the past year I have learned that I can survive. As many times as I wanted to just hide under the covers and not come out and face the world, I knew I had to. I became strong enough to face the world and know that I can now do anything.

This month is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I may break down and cry, I may not understand why what happened happened, but I know I will make it.

Oh yeah

It has been one year since I got my BFP. So depressing. One year and nothing to show for it but a cp and me being depressed all the time.

It is almost a new year, it is almost a new year, it is almost a new year.

Doggie Therapist and crappy cookies

So a couple of days ago I made some. kick ass white chocolate macadamia(why won't this spell check for me?) nut cookies. They are really really good. So I tried to make macaroons tonight. They turned out like complete crap. I have made them before and they were great. Not so much tonight. Damn.

We took Buster to the dog behaviorist and got some pointers. So far he is already behaving better. Hopefully the pointers will really work.

Now I am sitting here drinking a big ass beer and watching 40 Year Old Virgin. I really need to do laundry so I have a clean uniform tomorrow.

Yeah I know this is an entry from TTCAL

I went and got the mail. Instead of an elfster gift, what did I see staring at me? A baby shower invite for my cousin who is do in March.

Great! Another reminder that she is knocked up. The one that was about to get a divorce before baby, the one that said she was done being pregnant at 12 weeks, the one that said and I quote "Well, you can have my pregnancy, I don't want it anymore."

Yeah, thanks cuz, I think I will send a gift, but please don't be mad if I choose not to attend.

Alright about yesterday

Lets start with the fact that it was my long week. I worked 8 hours on Sunday, 12 on Monday, 12 on Tuesday and 12 yesterday. I am tired

I also got woken up at midnight on Tuesday by Erik wanting to talk about Buster. He was overwhelmed and talking about how he doesn't think we can keep him. Buster is a wonderful dog, as long as he is with someone. He completely freaks out if he is left alone.

I love Buster and spent the next 2 hours crying. I was so upset. I ended up only getting about 2 hours of sleep. That isn't sleeping that is napping!

I woke up and went to work still very upset. Then one of the girls told me why our supervisor had been out. Apparently her 20 year old son had to take his girlfriend to the hospital because she was having severe stomach cramps and was bleeding a lot. She got there and promptly gave birth to a baby boy. SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT! Apparently it runs in the family because her mom didn't know she was pregnant until 8 months.

Oh and AF showed.

I lost it. Between that, Buster and some stupid whore yelling at me about "What ever happened to humanity?" because I wouldn't pass a message to her boyfriend (um hello! It is against our policy!) I just couldn't take it. I went to the back office and locked the door for a few minutes.

That was 1.5 hours into a 12 hour shift. Needless to say, it was a long day.

BUT the good news it the people at Doggie Daycare said they would work with us on techniques to help Buster so we can keep him. That made me feel better. There is hope that I can keep him.

It just sucked

Today that is. I don't even want to talk about it. Maybe tomorrow

OMG, My work sucks!

Have I told any of you that yet?

WARNING UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET PISSED OFF, DON'T READ THIS!

Just to let you know, I work at a jail so not only do I deal with the best and brightest in society, I also deal with their families who think that their "little boy would never do drugs" or "he only hit me once and I don't want to press charges". Well you know what? To effing bad! Wise up people!

We had a lady today that I had to book who is 46 with 14 kids ranging from 30 - 2. WTF? This crack head gets not one, not two, but FOURTEEN!?

Oh and then there is the couple that were involved in a crash that killed a 10 year old girl. The mother was released after her child endangerment charges were dropped. Your daughter is dead and you don't get charged after you put her in the car and let her wear her seatbelt the wrong way, and you let your boyfriend drive drunk and speed with her in the car! Again, WTF?

Some days, oh who am I kidding, most days my job makes me want to scream and cry and sometimes I do. I go into the back office and throw a fit. I cry and I stamp my feet like a 3 year old, but what else am I to do? Grow up?

The only highlight of my day was getting a sex registrant violated. That means that he is getting new charges for failure to register and could go back to prison. Oh yes little children, you can thank me that this bad man going away for a long time.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Been a while huh?

So I no I haven't posted anything on here in oh... I don't know.... 9 months! So what has happened in the past 9 months you ask? Well lets see.

I have been working

Erik has been working

5 failed rounds of Clomid

1 CP

Got a new puppy

and the regular day to day crap

Oh did I sneak that little TTC bit in. Yes, we are done with Clomid. 5 rounds and nothing to show for it but a lot of tears and a chemical pregnancy. Pretty much complete suckage. It took me a while to realize that I am an infertile. I put that label on myself because it is true. Miscarriage and fertility treatments, this is my life. Not a waking moment goes by that some thought about it doesn't cross my mind.

I think I am going to try to keep up with this whole blogging thing. If no one reads it, then I guess it is a journal for myself. If people do, great, I hope you get something out of it or can provide insight for me.

hmm..

Well, we went to Nebraska last week. It sucked that we had to go to a funeral, but it was nice that we were able to see all the family. There were cousins that Erik hadn't seen in 15 years.

Work was work. Nothing interesting

I might be going back up to Humboldt County in a couple of weeks. My sister and the boys are coming out to see my dad. I haven't seen the boys since our wedding almost 3 years ago.

Well...on a poor me moment. I am fed up with people getting pregnant and having babies. I have been charting this month and my chart has more ups and downs than a roller coaster. No cross hairs. I also tried OPKs and all they did was depress me. Now I just start the waiting game for George (AF for those that don't really read my blog, so pretty much everyone) to get here so I can start Clomid. Fun stuff

Well...

Erik's grandpa died last night. Now we are waiting to see when the funeral is so we can book a flight to Nebraska. I feel horrible because Erik has never had anyone in his family die before. This is only the second person that he knows that has passed away. It is hard watching him figure out how to deal with it. I don't know what to say to him so I just react to however he is acting.

Here's to hoping the rest of 2009 goes well.

Word

"For this child I prayed and the Lord hath granted me my petition which I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27

"But if we hope for what we do not have we wait for it patiently" Romans 8:25

"but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

"In this world, you will have many troubles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

“Let HIM have all your worries and cares, for HE is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you” 1 Peter 5:7

VENT

Ok, I am sure my vent might piss people off and I will just say in advance, sorry but this is how I am feeling. And with that...

I know that TTC for a whole 3 months and getting BFNs every cycle is hard and you just want to be pregnant already, but give me a fucking break. I was doing ok with these comments after 6 months of trying, and then after 8 months and then 1 year. A year of trying and I was ok with the comments (annoyed but able to deal).

After my m/c I find myself being very annoyed at people that say "it seems like it is taking forever" and it has been 2 cycles. I want to grab them be the sholders, shake them and yell at the top of my lungs to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

With that, I know it sucks that it doesn't happen right away for some people, and I know it sucks when everyone around you is getting pregnant. Just wait for those people who were announcing they were pregnant to actually be giving birth and you still aren't pregnant, then come and complain to me.

Thanks for letting me vent.

cd11

Well, I have made it to cd11. I have been testing with OPKs for the past few days. I couldn't contain myself and started using them. I don't know how long my cycle is since I have never had a "regular" cycle before. I have to say, the test line is starting to at least show up a little faster today. I am hoping by Friday I will be seeing a positive line.

I have also been temping and Holy Freaking Rollercoaster Batman! It is up and down all over the place. Oh well.

Yeah I know

Yeah I know, it has been a while. I haven't been updating for a week.

I worked some overtime tonight. Little extra cash isn't bad. Next pay check will be nice with the overtime and holiday pay. Can't wait.

I am trying my hand at temping again. It is driving me crazy. I am testing at the same time each day and they are all over the place. I don't know what is going on. I am also trying OPKs. I think I started using them way to early for this cycle, but I don't know what my "normal" cycle is. I talked to the RE and it sounds like I will be starting Clomid with the next cycle. I am excited and scared.

Anyways...that has been my week.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ouch! My back hurts. It is a sharp pain in my lower lest back area. Kind of in this region here :::waving hand around back area:::

I am so glad that today is Friday. Well. I know it is not really Friday, but it is for me. Three days off and not a thing to do. Hmmm....I must come up with something to do.

Yes!!!

Finally! After 6 long weeks and a couple of false alarms, George (see below post) has finally come over. It is for real this time people!

I had my follow up appointment today with my OB/GYN for my D&C. It went well. She said everything should be fine. She is so caring and such a wonderful person. I can't speak highly enough of her.

Anyhoo...that's about it here.

Alright

::::head to desk, and repeat::::

Again, I know I am not feeling sorry for myself, but there are constant reminders all around.

My dad and step-mom came into town last night. My SM was asking about how many children in the neighborhood and since we have such a young neighborhood we will probably all have kids around the same time.

Then they were talking about my little sister who just had her second. Then there was talk about my dumbass brother and his five (yes I said five).

Then at dinner there was an extremely pregnant girl that kept waddling back and forth in front of me. "Hey lady, I get it! Your pregnant! Sit your ass down or go waddle somewhere else!" And then there was the mom with 2 little girls waiting to be seated. Apparently mom just found out she was pregnant and it was all the girls could talk about.

Talking to my friend last night was good. She is having problems to and the doctors don't really seem to be listening to her. I sympathize because I know how she feels.

As far as I go, I had my D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. It will be 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still haven't seen George (AF see below posts). It is so frustrating. I am still spotting and when I do stop, it picks up again. It is like a constant reminder of my failure. The reason that I went with the D&C is because I didn't think I could manage to wait for it to happen naturally. I just wanted it over. Now is seems like it will never end.

Oh well...doctors appointment is on Monday, I guess we will wait and see.

I know, I know

I know that I said I was done feeling sorry for myself and I would no longer be bitter. I think in the past week I have done really well with that.

However, today was a little tough. I was cleaning house (my dad is coming to stay for a couple of days and I wanted to hide all pregnancy related materials. I haven't been able to tell my dad about the miscarriage, he already has a lot going on with the rest of my family) and I came across my pregnancy week by week book and the Chicken Soup for the Grandparents Soul that I had bought for the in-laws.

I had planned on giving them the book as the last present on Christmas Day. It was still wrapped and the wrapping paper was a little torn where I had just thrown it in a basket. It was so hard not to cry thinking about how that day should have gone. The look of joy and surprise on their faces. My mother in law crying and just repeating "really?" with excitement in her voice.

Instead I spent the day trying not to cry and separating myself from everyone. I had only lost my baby a mere 24 hours prior. I didn't know how else to act and respond to people.

Oh well, I guess I still have the book for when it does work out like it should.

mmmm...garlic!

So for dinner tonight I made spaghetti. It was very yummy. And of course if you have spaghetti, you have to have garlic bread (kind of sounds like, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie).

When I make my garlic bread I start with a loaf of fresh french bread. Then I smear butter all over it. I grind up garlic, olive oil, and Italian Seasoning in my mini food processor (best wedding gift ever) and I smear that all over. Then pop it under the broiler for a few minutes. YUM!

Well...I put a lot of garlic on it tonight. It was still good, but it WOOHHH!!! it was a lot of garlic.

I think tomorrow night we will go All-American-simple food. Hot dogs and french fries.

Ute juicing

It has been 5 weeks since my D&C. Other than a brief 2 day break in the middle, I have been spotting since then. 5 weeks!!!

So today I I was able to go a full day without a pad or anything. it was fantastic! I felt normal again. And then....I went to the gym with my friend. She likes to do this back workout machine (I don't know what it is called) and of course I tried it out.

My new name for the machine is the Uterus Juicer. It felt like my ute was being squeezed and of course what happens when I get home? I am spotting again. This better be George (AF...see post below) showing up for real now.

Yeah!!!

I have tomorrow off. I completely forgot that I took tomorrow off. There is nothing going on and I really don't have a reason for the time off other than needing to take my XTO instead of a furlough.

I think I am going to sleep in. Then have lunch with Meriah and after that get my house clean so I don't have to do it later this week.

I was so happy today knowing that I don't have to go back to work until Sunday at 1200! Yeah!!

I am done!

I am done feeling sorry for myself. After a drunken emotional breakdown last night, I have decided that I am done feeling sorry for myself.

Though it still hurts and I will always be sad about losing my baby, but I can't be bitter for ever. Thanks to my best friend (who has always been there for me) I realize how bitter and bitchy I have been for the past month.

I have missed out on hanging out with friends and such because they have what I want. They are pregnant and I am jealous. I admit that I am jealous, but I can't seclude myself for ever. I can't continue to push people away because I am feeling like this.

It can only inevitably lead to hurting those that I love and care about. Then not only have I lost my child, but I have lost the people that care about me.

So from this day forward I am going to be better not bitter. Though it will take some time and it will still hurt, I am done pushing people away and being selfish.

Observations I have made today

While sitting at Chipotle (thank you Sweetpea for making me crave it), I sat there and just people watched. Here are the things I noticed:

- young couples (probably in their late 20s) having lunch before going back to work. Her in her scrubs and him in his suit. having lunch and then walking to their cars. Kissing, hugging, he opens the door for her. They spend 10 minutes in the parking lot giggling and laughing with each other.
- two teenagers walking from school. Wonder where they are going? What they will do when they graduate high school?
- the guy across the street twirling the sign for the pizza place. 30 minutes straight he stood there and twirled

the observations go on and on, but those are the most memorable.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I am feeling sorry for my self today. It was one month ago that I had my D&C. I should be 13 weeks on Saturday and going into the "safe zone".

But instead...here I sit on my couch, not pregnant and still spotting from the D&C. I want to move on, but today just doesn't seem like the day to do it.

I should be cleaning my house or doing laundry or something, but that is what I have tomorrow for.

Not a damn thing!

I haven't done anything today. I slept in until 11:30 and then I went to the grocery store. Oh, I also had a blood draw to check my BETA levels. Hopefully it is my last.

Other than that I have been sitting on my ass all afternoon watching America's Next Top Model and nesting. And I ate a half a thing of chocolate frosting.

I think I will be more productive tomorrow. I have to clean house. My dad is coming next week. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm Buzzed, What of it?!?

Ok, so yeah I actually had a drink tonight. I am feeling happy at the moment. Usually I don't drink, so why tonight? Let's see.,,

For one, today was busy but I was still in a good mood. Then the next supervisor came in for the next shift. BITCH! I wanted to punch her in the throat!

And the kicker for today... apparently my post about AF was a little premature. It looks like I am just spotting again. It isn't like I was just spotting, I seriously thought that I had AF. Oh well...we will see what happens.

Ok, I am going to take my drunk ass and have another drink (or two)

Oh and by the way

I cut garlic while cooking dinner, and now no matter how many times I wash my hands...they still smell like garlic.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Aunt Flo, Cousin Red, on the Rag (oh I hate this one), red tide, ride the cotton pony, and of course what my Grandmother always referred to it as, George. Why she calls that time of the month George, I don't think I will ever understand.

And with that lovely observation, here it is....AF (for all you nesties) has shown her lovely face. Why do I refer to her as lovely considering she is the enemy of every woman trying to get knocked up? I say this because this is the first step after my miscarriage to getting back to normal. It means that I can hopefully get back on track and go back to the RE.

I can't wait!

What the Hell?

Ok, so lets just jump right into it.

My second post and I am going TMI on you all. So I had my D&C 4 weeks ago tomorrow. Last Friday I finally stopped spotting from it. Taking advantage of the moment, Erik and I decide to get busy (it was fantastic by the way). Everything was great Saturday and Sunday.

What happens today?!? I freaking start up again. I honestly have no idea if it was bad spotting or my AF showing up. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Well...I guess we will have to wait and see what happens huh?

My Story

So here is my story...

I grew up in a little town in Northern California, where my parents still live. I have a difficult family to explain because there are so many of us. I moved from my small town to a big city, also in California (surprise huh?) when I graduated from high school. I attended college and in 2006 graduated from college with a Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice.

While in college I met my husband, Erik. We actually met in marching band. I know what you are all thinking, what dorks! I know, I have thought it too. Anyhoo...Erik and I dated for 3 1/2 years and then in 2006, at the ages of 23 and 25, we got married.

In October 2007 we decided to try for a child. In August 2008 we were referred to a specialist. In September 2008 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Of course that's the way it works out. I end up broken and they actually said that Erik's little men are above average. I went home with at least the good news that he has SuperSperm (duh data dah - I always get a theme song in my head when I say that) and then I told him I was broken.

I started taking Metformin in October and we decided to try Clomid with my cycle in December. But wait....I didn't have one. Now WHAT?!? So, I thought "what would it hurt" and I took a pregnancy test. Well that was a Big Fat Positive!

I couldn't believe it! I was actually pregnant. It was such a surprise and we were so excited. We went to our first appointment on Christmas Eve 2008 and that is when my world turned upside down. I had a missed miscarriage. I have spent the past 3 1/2 weeks trying to understand, but I don't think I ever will.

With that long introduction, welcome to my life.