What a difference a year makes

You know those pictures that people do? What a difference a year makes? They take a picture of an +HPT and then a picture of their smiling 3-4 month old. I have always wanted to do one of those. Well, I got half way there at least. Instead of my smiling babe, I reflect back on the year and what I have to show for it.

I have learned a lot about myself this year. I have known pure joy and what true happiness it. I have had the happiest day of my life. I also have learned what true sorrow and heart ache is. I also now know that I am stronger then I ever thought and more vulnerable than I knew.

Pure joy and true happiness - December 6, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. Yeah I know everyone says that their wedding day was or having a baby was. For me, it was finding out I was pregnant. My life finally had meaning and I felt complete. I was going to be a mother. I was in love instantly and could never imagine loving anything or anyone as much as I did my baby.

Sorrow and heartache - Everyone has had a break up where they thought they were heartbroken. The day we had our first ultrasound and the doctor said that I had had a miscarriage my heart broke into two and though it has mended in the past year, there is still a piece that is missing and will never come back. I had never known heartbreak that intense and could never have imagined it.

In those short 19 days, I had my baby. I was going to have my family.

In the past year I have learned that I can survive. As many times as I wanted to just hide under the covers and not come out and face the world, I knew I had to. I became strong enough to face the world and know that I can now do anything.

This month is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I may break down and cry, I may not understand why what happened happened, but I know I will make it.

Oh yeah

It has been one year since I got my BFP. So depressing. One year and nothing to show for it but a cp and me being depressed all the time.

It is almost a new year, it is almost a new year, it is almost a new year.

Doggie Therapist and crappy cookies

So a couple of days ago I made some. kick ass white chocolate macadamia(why won't this spell check for me?) nut cookies. They are really really good. So I tried to make macaroons tonight. They turned out like complete crap. I have made them before and they were great. Not so much tonight. Damn.

We took Buster to the dog behaviorist and got some pointers. So far he is already behaving better. Hopefully the pointers will really work.

Now I am sitting here drinking a big ass beer and watching 40 Year Old Virgin. I really need to do laundry so I have a clean uniform tomorrow.

Yeah I know this is an entry from TTCAL

I went and got the mail. Instead of an elfster gift, what did I see staring at me? A baby shower invite for my cousin who is do in March.

Great! Another reminder that she is knocked up. The one that was about to get a divorce before baby, the one that said she was done being pregnant at 12 weeks, the one that said and I quote "Well, you can have my pregnancy, I don't want it anymore."

Yeah, thanks cuz, I think I will send a gift, but please don't be mad if I choose not to attend.

Alright about yesterday

Lets start with the fact that it was my long week. I worked 8 hours on Sunday, 12 on Monday, 12 on Tuesday and 12 yesterday. I am tired

I also got woken up at midnight on Tuesday by Erik wanting to talk about Buster. He was overwhelmed and talking about how he doesn't think we can keep him. Buster is a wonderful dog, as long as he is with someone. He completely freaks out if he is left alone.

I love Buster and spent the next 2 hours crying. I was so upset. I ended up only getting about 2 hours of sleep. That isn't sleeping that is napping!

I woke up and went to work still very upset. Then one of the girls told me why our supervisor had been out. Apparently her 20 year old son had to take his girlfriend to the hospital because she was having severe stomach cramps and was bleeding a lot. She got there and promptly gave birth to a baby boy. SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT! Apparently it runs in the family because her mom didn't know she was pregnant until 8 months.

Oh and AF showed.

I lost it. Between that, Buster and some stupid whore yelling at me about "What ever happened to humanity?" because I wouldn't pass a message to her boyfriend (um hello! It is against our policy!) I just couldn't take it. I went to the back office and locked the door for a few minutes.

That was 1.5 hours into a 12 hour shift. Needless to say, it was a long day.

BUT the good news it the people at Doggie Daycare said they would work with us on techniques to help Buster so we can keep him. That made me feel better. There is hope that I can keep him.

It just sucked

Today that is. I don't even want to talk about it. Maybe tomorrow

OMG, My work sucks!

Have I told any of you that yet?

WARNING UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET PISSED OFF, DON'T READ THIS!

Just to let you know, I work at a jail so not only do I deal with the best and brightest in society, I also deal with their families who think that their "little boy would never do drugs" or "he only hit me once and I don't want to press charges". Well you know what? To effing bad! Wise up people!

We had a lady today that I had to book who is 46 with 14 kids ranging from 30 - 2. WTF? This crack head gets not one, not two, but FOURTEEN!?

Oh and then there is the couple that were involved in a crash that killed a 10 year old girl. The mother was released after her child endangerment charges were dropped. Your daughter is dead and you don't get charged after you put her in the car and let her wear her seatbelt the wrong way, and you let your boyfriend drive drunk and speed with her in the car! Again, WTF?

Some days, oh who am I kidding, most days my job makes me want to scream and cry and sometimes I do. I go into the back office and throw a fit. I cry and I stamp my feet like a 3 year old, but what else am I to do? Grow up?

The only highlight of my day was getting a sex registrant violated. That means that he is getting new charges for failure to register and could go back to prison. Oh yes little children, you can thank me that this bad man going away for a long time.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.