I feel so left behind

First let me say that I am so very happy for all of my friends on TTCAL that have had BFPs recently. I am ecstatic for them, but I can't help but feel left behind.

I have taken a little break the past couple of weeks. Having my 1 year anniversary of my BFP at the beginning of December and then my m/c anniversary on Christmas Eve and then tomorrow is the 1 year of my D&C, it all just sucks and I needed a little break.

Now I go on to TTCAL and I am sad to see so many new names. I am sad that they have to be there and I am sad that I was left behind. I know that unfortunately there are still some of us oldies there, but I think you get what I mean.

Of course I am happy for everyone and I only want the best for everyone and their little ones, but the Debbie Downer of me wants to know when it is going to be my turn.

Ugh...Christmas (eve)

So, it was a year ago today that we learned our little one was gone. Needless to say, I have not been very excited about Christmas this year. I don't have a tree up or lights on the house. No decorations inside and the stocking will get hung because I have to. I did manage to put the wreath on the door.

I went to church tonight. I realized that I have gone to church every Christmas of my life, other than last year. I missed one out of 26 years.

Tomorrow I will put on a nice big smile and host my in-laws and my mom and step dad. I will cook dinner and laugh and act like everything is fine.

Ugh...I can't wait for it to be January already.

Man I feel discusting

I feel so fat. Since I graduated high school I have gained about 100 pounds. I know people gain weight while in college and after getting married, but I feel like such a heifer. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I can't find cloths that fit well.

I always joke that I am a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body because I love fashion and I love dressing up, but I hate shopping because I can't find the clothes I like in my size.

I think it is time for me to get off my fat ass and do something.

Down with the sickness

I have been sick the past week. I blame the thousands of random strangers that were pushing against me while in Vegas. So, that has sucked.

I have also been doing a lot of baking. Don't worry, I haven't been coughing or sneezing in the cookies. Other than that not much going on. I will be doing a real update later this week.

2008 vs. 2009

2008

~February~my grandfather dies

~June~start with RE

~October~diagnosed with PCOS

~December~Pregnant and miscarry

2009

~February~Erik's grandfather dies

~March~state fertility drugs

~August~EDD

~November~ chemical pregnancy

Not to mention that in 2008 there were 8 pregnant ladies at work, plus friends and family. In 2009 some of those are now pregnant with #2.

Good Lord the past two years have sucked horribly. I think I will spend the rest of the year drunk. I know there are only 2 weeks left, but really, these two weeks are going to blow. If I can survive Christmas then I will be ok until New Years.

OK, so here is a big slap in the face high five to 2010.

YOU HEAR ME 2010?! IF YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN THE PAST TWO YEARS I AM GOING TO SHANK SOMEONE. YOU DON'T WANT THEIR BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS.

Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to write about

Stupid PCOS! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

You make me fat, you make me break out, you make me depressed, you make my face look like a 14 year olds and you make me have to get my upper lip waxed (oh yeah, I am willing to over share here). Damn you!

Ok, I feel a little better. I have been a little down lately. I have been breaking out and I had lots of hair coming out in the shower this morning.

Lately I have been thinking about what if we are not able to become parents. I think the fact that it has been 2 years and no luck at all, it seems like no matter what we do, it just isn't going to happen for us. I know I shouldn't be a Debbie Downer or anything, but sometimes it is just hard.

Oh well...tomorrow is another day to live through.

Ugh...

I am sick. Erik is sick. I had to work all week (4 12 hour shifts)

I hope I feel better soon.

And I'm back

We took a little vacation. It was fantastic. Thursday we drove the eight hours down to Las Vegas we saw Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds Thursday and Friday and also stayed at the Bellagio.

1. Long drive and back, but it was still fun. Erik and I like to go on drives, but we usually don't go that far.

2. The Bellagio was fantastic. It is certainly beautiful. It was great staying there. It is something that we can say we did, but I don't think we need to stay there any more. It was expensive.

3. Dave Matthews. I shouldn't have to say anything else about it. It is Dave Freaking Matthews! I love him and the shows were phenomenal.

We are home and had a great time. It was nice getting away and not worrying about anything, but now it is back to the real world and I had said world thrust upon me when I had to go back to work today. Oh well, I will dream about our next trip.

And now, a text marathon

This is a text conversation that went on between me and my best friend. A little back story here, it is in regards to my supervisor and her surprise grandson.

1:13pm

Me: Dearest Supervisor, I understand you are a happy grandma and proud of your grandkids, but I swear to all that is holy, if I have to listen to you gush about your damn unplanned grandbaby that was so unplanned they didn't know she was pregnant, and your other one born 10 days before, I am going to shove a pencil in your throat, ok? I think 10 times today (literally) is enough. I get it. Thanks, Your loving employee

Meriah: LOL! Isn't that the sickest thing how an unplanned child is taboo till it is in your arms the it is the best thing since sliced bread?!?

Me: I swear, if I have to hear about it one more time or "look at my grandbaby, isn't he cute?" or have to hear the story again, or have to hear her calling them on the phone to check in, I am going to hurt someone.

1:50pm

Me: Ok someone is getting shanked

Meriah: I've got a pen and the coil of a note pad.

Me: Perfect All I need is something mildly pointy. Even if it is dull if you use enough force it will work

Meriah: hehehehehe

Yes people, that is right. All I have heard for the past 2 days at work is about this damn kid and the story about what happened and how great it is and how great a baby he is. Why couldn't this be my month in booking? No, I have to be on the ID desk and sit right next to her. Damn it all to hell.

I heard this tonight

I haven't heard this song in forever and it really got to me tonight...

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

~My Immortal by Evanescence

What a difference a year makes

You know those pictures that people do? What a difference a year makes? They take a picture of an +HPT and then a picture of their smiling 3-4 month old. I have always wanted to do one of those. Well, I got half way there at least. Instead of my smiling babe, I reflect back on the year and what I have to show for it.

I have learned a lot about myself this year. I have known pure joy and what true happiness it. I have had the happiest day of my life. I also have learned what true sorrow and heart ache is. I also now know that I am stronger then I ever thought and more vulnerable than I knew.

Pure joy and true happiness - December 6, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. Yeah I know everyone says that their wedding day was or having a baby was. For me, it was finding out I was pregnant. My life finally had meaning and I felt complete. I was going to be a mother. I was in love instantly and could never imagine loving anything or anyone as much as I did my baby.

Sorrow and heartache - Everyone has had a break up where they thought they were heartbroken. The day we had our first ultrasound and the doctor said that I had had a miscarriage my heart broke into two and though it has mended in the past year, there is still a piece that is missing and will never come back. I had never known heartbreak that intense and could never have imagined it.

In those short 19 days, I had my baby. I was going to have my family.

In the past year I have learned that I can survive. As many times as I wanted to just hide under the covers and not come out and face the world, I knew I had to. I became strong enough to face the world and know that I can now do anything.

This month is going to be hard, but I know that I can do it. I may break down and cry, I may not understand why what happened happened, but I know I will make it.

Oh yeah

It has been one year since I got my BFP. So depressing. One year and nothing to show for it but a cp and me being depressed all the time.

It is almost a new year, it is almost a new year, it is almost a new year.

Doggie Therapist and crappy cookies

So a couple of days ago I made some. kick ass white chocolate macadamia(why won't this spell check for me?) nut cookies. They are really really good. So I tried to make macaroons tonight. They turned out like complete crap. I have made them before and they were great. Not so much tonight. Damn.

We took Buster to the dog behaviorist and got some pointers. So far he is already behaving better. Hopefully the pointers will really work.

Now I am sitting here drinking a big ass beer and watching 40 Year Old Virgin. I really need to do laundry so I have a clean uniform tomorrow.

Yeah I know this is an entry from TTCAL

I went and got the mail. Instead of an elfster gift, what did I see staring at me? A baby shower invite for my cousin who is do in March.

Great! Another reminder that she is knocked up. The one that was about to get a divorce before baby, the one that said she was done being pregnant at 12 weeks, the one that said and I quote "Well, you can have my pregnancy, I don't want it anymore."

Yeah, thanks cuz, I think I will send a gift, but please don't be mad if I choose not to attend.

Alright about yesterday

Lets start with the fact that it was my long week. I worked 8 hours on Sunday, 12 on Monday, 12 on Tuesday and 12 yesterday. I am tired

I also got woken up at midnight on Tuesday by Erik wanting to talk about Buster. He was overwhelmed and talking about how he doesn't think we can keep him. Buster is a wonderful dog, as long as he is with someone. He completely freaks out if he is left alone.

I love Buster and spent the next 2 hours crying. I was so upset. I ended up only getting about 2 hours of sleep. That isn't sleeping that is napping!

I woke up and went to work still very upset. Then one of the girls told me why our supervisor had been out. Apparently her 20 year old son had to take his girlfriend to the hospital because she was having severe stomach cramps and was bleeding a lot. She got there and promptly gave birth to a baby boy. SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT! Apparently it runs in the family because her mom didn't know she was pregnant until 8 months.

Oh and AF showed.

I lost it. Between that, Buster and some stupid whore yelling at me about "What ever happened to humanity?" because I wouldn't pass a message to her boyfriend (um hello! It is against our policy!) I just couldn't take it. I went to the back office and locked the door for a few minutes.

That was 1.5 hours into a 12 hour shift. Needless to say, it was a long day.

BUT the good news it the people at Doggie Daycare said they would work with us on techniques to help Buster so we can keep him. That made me feel better. There is hope that I can keep him.

It just sucked

Today that is. I don't even want to talk about it. Maybe tomorrow

OMG, My work sucks!

Have I told any of you that yet?

WARNING UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET PISSED OFF, DON'T READ THIS!

Just to let you know, I work at a jail so not only do I deal with the best and brightest in society, I also deal with their families who think that their "little boy would never do drugs" or "he only hit me once and I don't want to press charges". Well you know what? To effing bad! Wise up people!

We had a lady today that I had to book who is 46 with 14 kids ranging from 30 - 2. WTF? This crack head gets not one, not two, but FOURTEEN!?

Oh and then there is the couple that were involved in a crash that killed a 10 year old girl. The mother was released after her child endangerment charges were dropped. Your daughter is dead and you don't get charged after you put her in the car and let her wear her seatbelt the wrong way, and you let your boyfriend drive drunk and speed with her in the car! Again, WTF?

Some days, oh who am I kidding, most days my job makes me want to scream and cry and sometimes I do. I go into the back office and throw a fit. I cry and I stamp my feet like a 3 year old, but what else am I to do? Grow up?

The only highlight of my day was getting a sex registrant violated. That means that he is getting new charges for failure to register and could go back to prison. Oh yes little children, you can thank me that this bad man going away for a long time.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.